I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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