Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
