Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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