I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
