I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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