I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
