when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize