I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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