I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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