It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
