her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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