Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
