I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
