I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
