Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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