Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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