My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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