i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
