Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
