Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
