she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
