There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
