The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just found a bag of teeth...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize