Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
