I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
