I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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