Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
