I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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