I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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