420 ftw
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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