one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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