I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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