I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize