i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
