my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
