why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
