I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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