her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
