at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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