Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
