Michael Bay diarrhea
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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