Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
