i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
