I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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