my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
