If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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