I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
