i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this just has baby written all over it
bring money and cleavage
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
