It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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