it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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