I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize