also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
