I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
