i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
