I think I just saw someone hide a body.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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