I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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