i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
